Update

If you haven't noticed, I am no longer doing movie reviews. It was tough keeping pace with my rivals, Rotten Tomatoes. I could've beaten them out, but alas, they were first.

So I have started another blog, free of competition. http://metalcake.blogspot.com/

It already has two posts. Two.

So hop on the bandwagon, support me in this new endeavor, and please-please-please go Follow me real quick.  Thanks, true fans. You are just tops.

True Grit (critiqued by yours truly)

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Starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin, True Grit is a remake of the 1969 film of the same title, starring John Wayne. When I say "remake", I mean almost literally the same movie but with better actors and the La Boeuf character (Damon) has a bewitching 'stache. I'd link the original trailer, but - MY GOODNESS - they didn't know how to make a good preview back then. It's exceptionally boring and actually ruins the ending...in the official trailer. Say what you will about Hollywood, at least it's not embarrassing anymore.

Anyway, this movie blew me away. And I hate westerns, so...good on ya, Coen Brothers. It starts out with a strangely eloquent fourteen year old girl, named Mattie Ross, seeking a bounty-hunter type to help her hunt down Tom Cheney (shooting runs in the family) and avenge her father's murder. Coincidentally, Hailee Steinfeld, who plays said Mattie Ross, is actually fourteen. Yeah. That hasn't happened since, like, Shirley Temple. Hailee's basically the star, and did a great job to boot - I'm thinking we will all someday look back on the True Grit promo posters and exclaim with bona fide befuddlement, "Why isn't Hailee Steinfeld's name on here and who the poop is Josh Brolin?"

Discussing the film with a few friends, I got a comment that it was boring. I can see that - this is one of those Dialogue Movies, where you're basically just mesmerized by the sheer speech coming out of their mouths, the action being few and far between (Inglourious Basterds is another example of this new genre I just made up), and if that's not your thing, or if you're not in the mood, it probably is somewhat boring.

But other than some occasional slow dialogue (if I'm correct about the duplicate script, then the dialogue was written in the 60's so cut 'em some slack) it's an excellent film.

The humor in the movie is pretty acquired - you have to get into the old western mindset, where "Injuns is savages", Cowpoke is a common term, and the East brings nothin' but death and taxes. Then it's a hog-killin' time.

Over all, this movie surprised me - and I expected to love it already. I give it, as a Cheez-It, 90% Real Cheese. Give it a chance, even if cowboys make you want to hurl copies of Brokeback Mountain at the nearest breakable object.

Despicable Me (critiqued by yours truly)

Hey everyone, I know it's been forever since I've posted a review, but I am now back in my dorm and looking for study distractions once again! Next is Despicable Me, starring Steve Carell. I know this one's a bit old, but I haven't done a less recent review since Donnie Darko. Also, the last movie I saw in theaters was Tron Legacy, and since I haven't seen the first one, it felt impolite to judge.

Watch the Trailer

Despicable Me - with Steve Carell as Gru, Jason Segel as Vector, Russell Brand as Dr. Nefario, Julie Andrews as Gru's mom, Will Arnett as Mr. Perkins, Kristen Wiig as Miss Hattie, Miranda Cosgrove as Margo, et cetera, et cetera - was a surprising movie. Though children cinema with a star cast is usually a recipe for mediocre, this project was an excellent time investment for all actors involved, even the ones who had extremely respectable careers already.

There are a few adult-based jokes peppered throughout the storyline, one involving a Lehman Brothers reference which is hard to catch, so look out for it. But even though those are few and far between, most will find, aside from the occasional overly-silly pratfall humor, even the kid jokes are enjoyable. And animated characters' facial expressions have boundless potential as far as funny goes. Of course, Steve Carell is notable for his ability to make most ages at least chuckle lightly to themselves, but most other characters contributed a bunch o' laughs, too. Agnes and the little twinkie men are delightful.

Another plus for this movie is the soundtrack, a lot of which was performed by artist/producer/fashion designer Pharrell Williams. He wrote and performed the Dispicable Me theme, which got a lot of positive feedback. It's rap. So, curmudgeonly people should be advised to not click that link.

Basically, overall, this movie was an amazing kids movie. As far as older than that, of course that's all preference but I truly enjoyed it. As a Cheez-It, I'd say it's 90% Real Cheese. Go get it!

Morning Glory (critiqued by yours truly)

Watch the Trailer

Morning Glory is about an aspiring girl, Becky Fuller (McAdams) who lands a job at the fourth best morning show in the country (apparently that's bad). So the show's ratings are falling and this girl comes along and, despite a negative crew including Colleen Peck (Keaton), hires Mike Pomeroy (Ford), the best news anchor ever, to pull everything together.

The trailer makes me happy. It's extremely well put together and timed. I just like it.

The movie, however, was kind of like a movie being made from a commercial. The first half is extremely slow, with a few good moments, but overall molasses-like. About halfway through it turns into what that trailer advertises. It's pretty clear that the writers had planned out this perfect ending, and just couldn't think of the right A to B path.

Oh, and the relationship of the movie? They go through a rough patch in the middle, and if you miss that two minute scene, I'm not kidding, you will not realize that they've broken up. In the next scene, she doesn't appear phased at all, and it happens so suddenly that it hurt my teeth. And that doesn't even make sense.

But, towards the end, there are a few scenes that I couldn't breathe because I was laughing so hard. And the ending is sweet. So, this was not at all a bad movie, but I think it should've been released later...after some more thought on the buildup story.

Rachel McAdams, who is one of my favorites, did great in this one. Harrison Ford and Diane Keaton star in it too, and they're just funny as a duo. They felt real. And I guess that's the best description.

This movie felt real. So there are moments when you want to fall asleep because it's going so slow. There are moments when you laugh so hard that you don't make noise. There are moments when you cry. And there are moments when you have to think about what just happened because it hit you in the face so fast that you can't recall details.

Overall, as a Cheez-It, this movie is 75% Real Cheese. If you're able to walk in at the middle, do that. If you have to leave in the middle, don't go.

Due Date (critiqued by yours truly)

Watch the Trailer

This is one of those movies that is fully enjoyed if you click the link under the picture. Everything funny and not terribly unnecessary can be found in that trailer.

Of course, this has to be expected by a movie that is advertised in most places as;

FROM THE DIRECTOR OF THE HANGOVER

DUE DATE

This underdeveloped and poorly titled movie is about Peter (Downey), a seemingly level-headed businessman who is on the wrong side of the country while his child is about to be born. Due to being placed on the no-fly list because of Ethan (Galifianakis), they go on a "wild cross-country road trip" that makes you forget about there even being childbirth involved in the story. Also humor. It makes you forget humor.

Don't get me wrong, I loved The Hangover. I loved every teenage moment of it. It's our generation's Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and we know it's a bad movie, but that's what makes it great.

But this thing? This was the perfect example of what happened to Garfield, Shrek, Lindsay Lohan(actually a really interesting picture), and any other popular things that didn't know when to stop.

Galifianakis' character quit being funny about 11 minutes into the film.

Galifianakis' character was introduced about 10 minutes into the film.

Get it?

When developing his personality, they crossed a line between lovable goof and dehumanized idiot. At one moment in the movie you feel pretty empathetic towards him, and almost immediately he ruins it.

It doesn't matter what I say though, most young people will see it and, knowing it was directed by the Hangover guy, love it without question. And in the long run, that's the film's key demographic. So I can go stuff it, right?

As a Cheez-It, this movie is 50% Real Cheese. Don't bother unless you're my age and "want to see for yourself".

Paranormal Activity 2 (critiqued by yours truly)

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Let me preface this by saying;

If you can handle horror movies, and personally feel somewhat superior to your squeaky, skittish friends (like I did) - Don't use this one as proof.

If scary movies perfectly achieve the desired effect on your psyche, but that's why you like them - Go crazy.

And if you don't like horror at all - I won't even mention not seeing it - but don't even enter an abode belonging to people that own the dvd. Just leave. They might suggest ordering pizza. Then they'll want to watch something while they eat. Ticking bomb, dude.

I've always told people that The Ring was the last movie to make me jump or even ignite a slight uncomfortable edge in my day. I am now changing that statement to "Can I sleep on your couch or something cause it's dark outside."

Seriously though, if you're into thrills, this one is THE MOVIE to go see. And with a crowded theater filled with people you don't know, after you scream and cry together like that? You're a family.

My one warning; BRING YOUR FRIENDS.

Adaptation of my one warning; If you have the dvd, go to a friend's house.

If you've seen the first one, please don't judge the sequel for it. I will say that the first one made me fall asleep several times. And it was full of unnecessary language and sexual references and all around unrelatable people. The bright side of seeing the first one, is that the second is a prequel. So it kind of explains in depth what the crap was going on up in there.

If you haven't seen the first, it honestly isn't too crucial to PA2. So save your day the two hours of misleading horror (not the kind you thought!) and go buy Toy Story 3.

I won't say much more because the story line is preeeeeetty freaking straightforward.

As a Cheez-It, this movie was 90% Real Cheese. If you're into that genre of film, it definitely does what you pay it to do. And let's all thank God it's not in 3D.

RED (critiqued by yours truly)

Watch the Trailer

Starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Brian Cox....(I think you get it.) This is one of the most underrated movies I've seen in theaters.

This thing had something for every movie-goer. Action-packed enough for a super bowl alternative, and funny enough to make you laugh more than you're comfortable with, they stuffed in some romance, and it even had a twist or two. Also there's traveling. Weird traveling - including Mobile, Alabama and Pensacola, Florida.

Everyone associated with this movie has subsequently become awesome in my book. And, don't ever give Helen Mirren a gun. She'll make this face. Then shoot at you a bunch.

Most critics have said the movie is neither good nor bad. Some use the word "iffy". But I think this is an example of people not giving credit to sensational actors doing their job sensationally, just because they've begun to expect it. Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman, even though they've come to accept their fate in playing "old people" roles, will always be valiant, fire-eating men - who basically defined the term "MAN" with their fists. More specifically - Bruce with fists, Morgan leaning more toward the Electric Company (Before he even knew what a Bucket List was).

I enjoyed every second of it, and will most likely add it to my favorites list. I would even take my girlfriend to this one, so I hope you can truly appreciate the flexibility of a film that can entertain both genders. Bring everyone you know.

As a Cheez-It, this movie is 90% Real Cheese. Go see it.